unapologetic

This is a post that I’ve written, rewritten, planned different ways of writing, and tried to figure out the best time and way to properly express these thoughts and feelings.  But like humans, there is no such thing as perfection and the only thing that truly exists is self-expression and authenticity.  So let’s start there…

Three years ago, I did one of the best things I could for myself.  I packed up all my shit and moved across the country.  By giving myself some physical space away from the only environment I’d ever known in my life, I was able to also give myself mental and emotional space as well.  A completely blank slate.  A place to stop and breathe and figure out who I actually am.  Not who I felt I should be or had to be.  Not what other people needed me to be.  Not the caged animal that society made me to be.  But just me.

Months after moving, the world came to a standstill.  We were all asked to do our part and stay home while science did their part to figure out what needed to be done as we entered into a global pandemic.  And I was unassigned at work.  Which meant that I had all the alone time and further space to work through all of the things running through my head.  So there I sat.  Freshly sober.  And void of all distractions I had used in the past to not work through the thoughts running marathons in my brain.

During the first few weeks of quarantine, I read Untamed by Glennon Doyle, one of the last books I bought prior to the shutdown.  A book that I now hold near and dear to my heart and that I recommend to every person I encounter.  A book that gave me one of the greatest gifts: myself.  The freedom to be who I am.  The ability to recognize all of the cages that we’re placed into as women.  By society, our conditioning, ourselves.  And I’ve learned how to free myself from those cages.  Here’s what I’ve learned about myself and who I am. Even the hard stuff, because we can do hard things.

I speak in lyrics and movie quotes.

I am a self-proclaimed Swiftie.  For life.

Music is one of my best forms of therapy.

I had a severe struggle with my mental health, and seriously considered taking my own life because of it.

I will continue to have a lifelong battle to maintain my current, stable state of mental health.

I am a huge advocate of therapy.

I am unafraid to set appropriate boundaries with people who pose a threat to my mental health. Even if they are family.

I have set said boundaries and will continue to enforce them.

I am nearly three years sober.

I’m finally growing comfortable in my own skin and the body I have.

All bodies are beautiful.

I’m no longer afraid to take up space, whether physical or metaphorical. I actually breathe into the space now.

I am a lifelong learner across a gamut of topics.

I have serious issues with the church, but not with faith.

I consider myself more spiritual than religious.

My handedness is as left as my politics.

No human is illegal.

Women’s rights are human rights.  Including the right to choose what to do with her body.

Feminism is for everyone.

Black lives matter.

Science is real. Including climate change.

Love is love is love.

Kindness is everything.

My sexuality is as straight as a line drawn by a two year old.

I’m proud to be a gay woman.

I refuse to be any other version of myself.

I will show up as my true, authentic self.

I do so unapologetically.

Anyone who takes issue with this will be shown the door.

This is me.